Here’s something I wrote awhile ago in response to Dear 15 Year Old Me - Letters of Hope for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Teens project.

Sparrowhawk,

Let’s get to the point. Right now, you’re 15-years old. About to start your sophomore year of High School. You end up quitting band and joining the swim team in an attempt to be less of a nerdy loser (you’re not a nerd, but a geek amirite?) and get back in shape. This was after a summer where you probably spent more time hiding inside and feeling like shit than anything. Right now? It’s probably one of the best chances to turn things around. I know it’s when you became deeply ashamed of your own body while simultaneously becoming fascinating (maybe even obsessed) with intersex and transsexual people. I know you’re excited enough about the very idea that, despite not understanding the proper context, you’ll listen when I promise to tell you how it relates to you. Because it does relate to you. And it’s vitally important - it’s the key to so much of the misery you’re suffering through.

The people whose idea it was to write a letter want it to be a letter of hope, but that’s something I’m short on, so I’m going to give you context. And I’m going to give you advice.  I’m going to warn you. And that’s what you need - not hope, but understanding. Because I believe in you. I believe in you so much more than I believe in myself. Because no one knows you better than I do… no one knows the challenges you’ve faced and how much hope you’ve already lost. I know you’re confused and becoming increasingly bitter. I know you’re thinking about killing yourself more and more often. I know that so many people have tried to fix you. But I also know what they don’t know, what they’d never  realize in a million years: you’re a girl. And a lesbian.

Please bear with me when I say that, even though you probably want to rip this up right now! It might seem like I’m trying to insult you like all the people that have teased you, but they’re trying to find a way to hurt you through your insecurities and single you for all the ways you never fit in. You like to dress weird, you like to keep to yourself, you like to read, you generally like your hair long or if it’s short, to be nice looking (oh yeah, and forget about bleaching your hair with racing stripes - you’re gonna get called a skunk, but more to the point it just doesn’t turn out the way you want… in fact, now would be a good time to stop letting your mom cut your hair - if you can get into the cosmetology program at the Jacobetti Center, years of avoiding shitty haircuts and having an employable skill will be worth it), you like to use your imagination, you’re a vegetarian, you don’t like cruel people, you don’t ditch class, and you’re committed to remaining sober. You like to write a lot and other kids are scared of how smart you are and how unwilling you are to back down, but they always out-number you or out-muscle you.

So… I know you. It’s taken me until I’m nearly twice your age to realize this, even though there were earlier chances. We’re both stubborn people. That can be our best quality at times or it can be our most self-injurious. In this case the stubbornness of our denial is the latter. And I know it doesn’t feel good to admit who you are, because on some level it makes the bullies seem right, doesn’t it? But they’re not right… they’re assholes. That they call you girly has nothing to do with you a girl, trust me… it has to do with them trying to attack your identity in a way that society has taught you devalues it. If you retorted to them that you were a girl, they’d eat their words and call you ‘gay’ (or some undeniably pejorative synonym), implying you’re a boy who likes boys. They don’t care what garbage they say, as long as it hurt you. Remember, these are the same people who call you stupid and speculate on your race, they’re really not perceptive or insightful. And you’re not weak for finding what they say hurt - stick and stones may break bones, but only words can make you slit your wrists. Which I know is tempting at times, but promise me that you at least consider what I have to say here and give it more weight than their words.

It’s okay to feel ashamed - society taught you that. Mom, specifically, has always tried to mold you into her little prince - not just to be a boy, but to be a very specific boy. And people in schools have always reinforced that. Remember when we first moved to Marquette and we were in that stupid play? When you put on the shirt with the ruffled sleeves or whatever and got teased mercilessly for it? While red is gauche, there’s nothing else wrong with you having worn that, regardless of what was said. And yet from that point on you were very careful. Remember when you told your best friend about how you thought you should have big boobs? He scoffed, but you just thought that would be the most proportional for your already broadening shoulders. But you remembered that and internalized it, never realizing that your thoughts of breasts were informed not just by lustful desire, but the desire for your body to be different. Yeah, I know the things you’re ashamed of and… I don’t care. I know you wonder what people would think, how you’d be judged for the thoughts you have, but there’s nothing wrong with your thoughts.

In fact I want to encourage you! I’d like to be able to be your guide on this, but I know that just telling you what I’ve told you so far, your future will be so much better than my past. I want you to encourage you to stay interested in being fit and strong - but don’t just swim or bike. There’s something called Cuong Nhu taught locally, you should look into that, as well as Tai Chi, Yoga, and meditation - they’ll eventually help you manage your thinking better as well as other more obvious benefits. You might also want to try coding in Java again, getting into the school’s video-journalism program (ignore the jackasses), sticking to free-swimming (ugh, locker room, I know), and backing up your computer more often (not on floppy disks! trust me), and getting a better summer job than just delivering newspapers (again, cosmetology is worth looking into - even if you don’t stick with it, it’s a good back-up), and working harder on your science homework (I know biology is way too focused on dissecting things and chemistry is hard, but you’re going to want to know those things, even if you’re encouraged to be an artist instead).

I also want to tell you - staying sober is a good call. I know what you’re going to have to do to live life in a way that is actually satisfying and I know it’s not easy, so you might want to cope somehow. If you do… try to stick to pot. And if you drink, try not to drink more than a few beers. It might sound silly, but when you go someplace while people are doing that, focus on dancing and moving. I know you’re more interested in writing, art, ideas, and escapism such as role-play, but you have to be prepared to cope with what other people think is normal, especially since you’re not going to want to embrace it (nor should you, much of it is bollocks - stick to working hard, learn to think more critical - as in formal logical not just doubt, broadening your perspective on race/class/gender/language/art/science/feminism, and above all - getting the hell out of that town)!

And I want to tell you, just because you’re a girl, doesn’t mean you have to be a certain type of girl. I want you to know that the two places you want to go to college (and yes, take that year of school off after you graduate, don’t let mom bully you into going directly to NMU, make sure you try to get good grades so Northland and MSU accept you, but if you can get out to California to live with Aunt Amy - despite her being hippy dippy and married to a total jerk - do it) as well as many other places will accept you no matter how you live. If you don’t want to shave your legs or get surgery downstairs, you don’t have to. Right now it’s mostly important that you pursue options that will allow you to become more independent, so you can have more choices in life.

I also suggest reading more authors like Joan Slonczewski, doing more research into what ‘transition’ is (and if anyone tells you absolutely have to do it a certain way, you don’t have to listen, you don’t need the burden of their insecurities). I know that to some degree you don’t trust doctors and anyone in the psych field, but if you look there are already people (albeit far away) that can help you (and no, you don’t need antidepressants - of all the drugs you could take, these will cause you the most trouble, because it’s your life that makes you miserable, not your misery that makes your life) with a) understanding what it is to be a girl (feminists, as well as the women you already idolize, are a good starting place), b) with the actual medical aspects of transition c) and finding a community of somewhat like-minded individuals.

This is probably a lot for you to take in, but I also know it’s stuff you need to know right now. Take some time, let the thesis of this letter sink in: you a girl, you’re a transsexual, and you’re a lesbian. And all that is not just okay, but awesome. Why is it awesome? Because knowing yourself to that degree will make you happy and it’s that context, that missing piece that you keep looking for in life. I know it’s hard to believe you’ll ever be the person I describe, but you are that person. When you deny it, it’s by putting on that mask and armor that I know weighs you down every day, that hurts you, that becomes the jar filled with inky hate. Yes. That. That is what that weight is, that is what that feeling of isolation is, that feeling of being trapped, that constant frustration. I know it’s hard to believe, but I also know you’ve always wanted guidance from your future self… so here it is. I love you more than I could possibly love myself (and you know, due to differences in timelines, that that’s not a paradoxical statement) and I want you to someday be able to love yourself again, too. So please just trust me on this? Because someday I hope to meet you, looking the mirror.

With love,
Panther Variable

reposted from: http://josienemo.tumblr.com/post/76322016045/heres-something-i-wrote-awhile-ago-in-response-to